A 7-Week Series on Sex

The sex conversations we had over the last 7 weeks at Nerd Church were enlightening as people joined in-person and online to talk for 60-90 minutes every Monday. Here are brief synopses of the topics we discussed, though I can hardly cover everything here.

Week 1 | Purity Culture

While keeping sex within marriage is the biblical ideal, the church has done incredible harm to young people (especially women) with “purity culture” teaching. Purity culture was riddled with many painful indirect takeaways and was often preached so intensely that many found their worth in the concept of virginity and not in Christ. Such an understanding was extra damaging to those who did not lose their virginity by choice. Likewise, many celibate people would attest that this sexual prosperity gospel very rarely (if ever) delivered on its promise to exchange celibacy for steamy honeymoon sex, creating additional sexual confusion.

Recommended Reading:
Non-Toxic Masculinity: Recovering Healthy Male Sexuality by Zachary Wagner

Week 2 | Cultural Lies

Many men have been taught that they’re physical creatures who can’t stop thinking about sex and that this is just science. This becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy, leading to all kinds of sexual problems. But the truth is that men can have the Holy Spirit’s self-control and don’t have to view or treat others as sex objects. Likewise, women have been told that they’re emotional creatures who don’t want to have sex and that this is just science, causing many women to feel awkward (or even dirty) for liking sex. These lies have created a bad and unfulfilling paradigm for couples. If a man buys into the lie that it’s all about him and his wife will never want it, sex becomes one-sided. This thinking can even foster situations of marital rape. This is not a biblical view of sex. The Song of Songs promotes a sexuality in which men and women are both physically and emotionally healthy sexual creatures that use their bodies to play and thrive with one another.

Recommended Reading:
The Great Sex Rescue: The Lies You’ve Been Taught and How to Recover What God Intended by Sheila Gregoire Wray
The Porn Phenomenon: The Impact of Pornography in the Digital Age by Barna Group
The Song of Songs by Jamin Bradley

Week 3 | Intimacy

Jesus taught us that there isn’t any sex in Heaven, so sex must be a signpost pointing toward a greater, Godly intimacy that is to come. Many people have reduced sex to orgasm, though the Bible sees it as an act that connects two people intimately, emotionally, and spiritually. Sure, it can come with highs when done rightly, but sex is not solely about the high. This focus on the high can even become evil, for one person’s high may be another person’s lowest of lows. There’s something deeper that we’re looking for in one-night stands and pornography than an orgasm, and that’s why these things never seem to bring about fulfillment. If we pay close attention, we might actually notice what we’re searching for in sex and be able to redirect our aim to wholesome places.

Recommending Reading:
God, Romantic Language, and Sex by Jamin Bradley

Week 4 | Gender Roles

Men and women are both made in the image of God and put on the same level to do the same mission: cultivate the earth to look like Heaven. One gender is not higher than the other—they are collaborators in life and the church. That being said, we create a lot of cultural boxes that we force men and women into. But God made quite a few efforts throughout the Bible to dismantle patriarchal thinking and Jesus and Paul were clear examples of men who elevated women to the same level so that they might serve alongside them in bringing Heaven to earth. So in the end, which of our gender boxes are cultural and which are biblical? If the church declares that men must act a certain way, they have already ostracized me for I don’t match the stereotypes.

Week 5 | Jesus’ Sexuality

God defied many of the norms of masculinity when he came to us in the form of a male human. He spent time with women, honored them, and did ministry with them, breaking many cultural expectations and taboos. He never married and even taught that such a thing was okay, which went against cultural expectations and patriarchy. He never sinned, showing us that he could have genitals and keep them under control—and I hold that he did all of this without cheating by supernaturally overcoming temptation. If we want to be better sexual creatures, we would do well to listen and learn from God-in-flesh.

Recommended Reading:
Malestrom: How Jesus Dismantles Patriarchy and Redefines Manhood by Carolyn Custis James

Week 6 | Sexuality & Gender

It’s no surprise to anyone that the church has done a horrible job of having good conversations about sexuality and gender. But at Nerd Chruch, everyone fostered a hospitable and kind conversation about the various lanes people find themselves in. Even if we hold to a traditional view of marriage, we recognize that the rest of the world has varying views, opinions, and feelings on the topic, which those of us who are heterosexual will never understand if we don’t learn to listen, empathize, and love well. In the Bible, Philip was explicitly sent to evangelize to a eunuch whose sexuality and gender may have seemed ambiguous in his own culture. We must take the gospel to people all across the spectrum and allow the Holy Spirit to help us find our way to Christ, wherever we might be on any topic. Love must always be our aim.

Week 7 | Open Discussion and Q&A

If you do a series like this, make sure to especially listen to women. They’re the ones who have the best thoughts and advice on these topics. If you’re a man, their words will likely convict you. If you’re looking for more reading on these topics, see the list of good and bad “Christian Sex Books” in Sheila Gregoire Wray’s book, The Great Sex Rescue.

Jamin Bradley