Jamin Bradley

Jesus and Peter’s conversation after the resurrection may not have gone quite as you’ve been told. There are four Greek words for love in the New Testament, and Jesus and Peter use different ones in their final reunion in the Gospel of John. Most Bible scholars will tell you to ignore this, especially because the writer uses these love terms interchangeably throughout his gospel. But if we set aside scholarship for a moment and read this story more psychologically, it may have something important to say to us.

Let’s set the stage: Peter has been devastated over the last few days. He has been Jesus’s star disciple in the past. He was the water-walker, the zealous defender of Jesus, and the beholder of the transfiguration. Yet despite all of this, he denied Jesus three times, watched the twelve disciples fall apart, and returned to his old job of fishing. His friend, his movement, and his life had fallen apart. And that’s when Jesus came back to life and walked up to his old friend to have a restorative conversation.

Peter had denied Jesus three times, but now he would be invited to love him three times. But would Peter set aside his shame and failure and love with abandon? If we note the Greek words, we might say no, since the story could translate something like this:

Jesus: Peter, do you love me more than the other disciples?

Peter: Yes Lord, you know that I am fond of you.

Jesus: Peter, do you love me?

Peter: Yes Lord, you know that I am fond of you.

Jesus: Peter, are you fond of me?

Note: Peter was grieved because he said to him the third time, “Are you fond of me?”

Peter: “Lord, you know everything; you know that I am fond of you.”

If this is the proper understanding of this passage, then we have a classic example of someone so deep in their shame that they are unable to say what they know is true. Jesus kicks off the conversation by having him do some soul-searching. “Despite your denials, do you still think you love me more than the rest of the disciples do?”

Peter recognizes what he’s done, and it paralyzes him. He wants to tell Jesus he loves him (because he does), but how can he say that after his screw-up? So he settles for something less. “Yes, I am fond of you.”

I imagine Peter staring lifelessly through Jesus as the words come out of his mouth, and Jesus has to move his head to catch Peter’s eyes. Peter snaps out of it as Jesus continues the conversation. “Fondness? Come on, Peter. You know you love me. Say it!”

But the lies chew on Peter’s soul. How could he really love Jesus if he denied him over and over? He certainly wants to follow Jesus. He wishes he were still the star disciple. But he can’t bring himself to believe that about himself anymore. Again, he settles for fondness.

Perhaps we imagine Jesus’ shoulders falling and his expression growing dim. This was supposed to be the happy reunion. The resurrection has come. He’s standing right in front of one of his best friends, alive again. And yet, his friend has convinced himself that he doesn’t love him as much as he used to. Jesus knows what’s true about Peter, but Peter doesn’t know it about himself. He will have to wrestle through this internal monologue until he decides to let the shame go and remember that he does, indeed, love Jesus.

Given the scenario, Jesus settles for Peter’s expression: “Peter, are you fond of me?” The two have reached a sad agreement, and they will have to work from there for now.

In moments such as this one, we must remind ourselves of the truths God has spoken over us and renew our minds to them. Peter’s inner dialogue could have been, “I am the rock upon which Jesus said he’d build his church. Here he is telling me to feed his sheep, so I guess that means I’m still his rock. And yes, I did deny him, and that was bad, but I guess I was more surprised by it than he was. He already foresaw me doing it before I did. He also said that Satan wanted to destroy me and that he was praying for me, so I need to recognize that I’m up against some spiritual warfare here and fight back.”

Scholars may not like this translation proposal, but even if the Bible didn’t intend for us to read it this way, it still remains true because we can all see ourselves in Peter and the great effects that shame has on us.

What lies are chewing on your soul? Where is shame holding you back from loving with abandon? Where is Jesus inviting you to say more than you’re willing to say?